Drafts Unsent

What would you write to an estranged family member? The Beckhams put family feuds in the headlines, but they don't just happen to famous people. I want you to send me the letter you'd want to send.

If i’m really honest, my father ending his life wasn’t the only event that ripped my family apart. He left behind a mother and son who could rarely agree on anything, and as the years have gone on, we’ve grown further apart. Our communication is either a long series of insulting WhatsApp messages, or her sending me AI videos of pandas washing Ferraris with the caption ‘how did they train them to do this?” We are not permanently estranged, but there is no real and meaningful relationship.

When I wrote a book about the genetics of mental illness, and the schizophrenia and depression that runs through my family, I got a lot of messages from people all over the world telling me they’d experienced something similar. But aside from the mental illness, there was a larger issue: a breakdown in the relationships that are meant to be our closest. We are surrounded by ideals of family life. Is it any wonder there is so much shame when they don’t work the way we imagine they’re meant to?

I remember at one book event a woman came up to me to say she hadn’t spoken to her son in 15 years, and she had no idea what to say to him now. And I’ve been thinking for a while what I might do to keep this conversation going.

So I figured: why not make my Substack a place for people to post letters to family members they don’t speak to anymore?

Maybe you’ve written a letter, but never sent it. Maybe you’ve found all communication just too difficult. Maybe you have no idea where they are, and hope they’ll read it somehow. I don’t know. What I do know, is that a broken family is an isolating experience. So I want to create a community where people might feel less alone, and read the words of others in their shoes.

Where I have been fortunate, is finding the warm embrace of my husband’s family. He is incredibly close to his parents and sisters. And I want to make this a place where that can be celebrated too - and perhaps give the rest of us hope.

So, to begin with, I’m going to publish two letters a week: one from someone writing to an estranged family member. And one from someone thanking a relative they value.

Send them to me here or email me jameslongman1@gmail.com or find me on Instagram @jamesaalongman - i’ll anonymise whatever you like. And hopefully create something beautiful.