Character Interview: Diana

Diana Shortman isn't sure if she believes her son is innocent. She's on a campaign to have the mould in her housing block removed. And she doesn't really care what you think about her.

JL: Can you describe yourself in three words?

Diana: No, darling, don’t be so stupid. Why would I do that?

JL: Well, I’m interviewing the main characters for this book and-

Diana: I’m the main character of this book. Who are these other characters exactly?

JL: Uhm, your son and-

Diana: Yes exactly, my son. Who was arrested for murder. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?

JL: Well that’s what i’m trying to-

Diana: I think if you’re going to ask questions you should think about asking my son why he’s been such a horror.

JL: So do you think he did it?

Diana: Well, people are capable of anything, aren’t they? I mean, people ask me all the time “Diana, how do you manage with a son in jail and a husband who’s abandoned you?!” Now I think you’ll agree I’m probably the most humble person you’ll have met

JL: Well-

Diana: Exactly. But I have to say I have been extraordinary throughout this entire ordeal.

JL: And sorry, before we go on, who is this woman in the corner?

Diana: Who? Oh, Marie!

JL: She doesn’t seem to be following much of what we are saying.

Diana: That’s because she doesn’t speak English, darling. Keep up. NO ENGLISH, MARIE, CORRECT?

JL: Does shouting help?

Diana: She’s a wonderful woman I met the other day at the post office.

JL: I’m sorry, you met this woman the other day?

Diana: Yes.

JL: And she’s living here?

Diana: Yes. Are you thick?

JL: No, I’m just having a little trouble following. This woman lives here with you in your flat?

Diana: Yes. What’s wrong with that? She seemed like she needed a place to stay. And I need a bit of help around here.

JL: Right. So this is part charity, part hoping she’ll clean for you?

Diana: I had an army of cleaners in my old life! You should have seen them. From all over the world. It was like the united bloody nations in our house. So yes, I’m hoping she helps out a little, is that a crime?

JL: Well, possibly. And your son Chris lives here too?

Diana: Yes! They share a bedroom. It’s rather sweet actually.

JL: And was Chris ok about that?

Diana: Well, he didn’t have much choice did he? I’m his mother and he’s got to do what I bloody well say. He spent 20 years in prison, i’m sure he’s used to roommates.

JL: Would you mind telling me a little about yourself?

Diana: What’s there to tell, darling? I had a lovely, wonderful life. We had an enormous house in Kensington. I threw the best parties. Everyone was there. Every. One. Was. There. And then, well, you know. Chris was arrested. And my bastard husband abandoned me. And now I live here, in this hovel.

JL: You were given this place by the council?

Diana: I wasn’t given anything, darling. I’m a tax payer. They owed it to me. But look at it. Mould absolutely everywhere. So now i’m trying to have something done about it.

JL: About the mould?

Diana: Yes! Why don’t you listen?! About the mould. Everyone who lives in this building is too lazy to do anything about it, so I’ve mounted a campaign, and those bastards at the council are going to bloody well listen to us.

JL: And what’s it like living with your son after all this time?

Diana: Well, he’s bloody ungrateful, I can tell you that. Moaning about the mess and about Marie.

JL: I mean, I can see his point.

Diana: But I suppose it’s nice having him around. And now these letters have arrived things have got really rather exciting.

JL: Letters?

Diana: Darling, you’re interviewing the main characters in a book about a murder mystery, the main premise of which is that letters start arriving from someone who says they know about the crime Chris was found guilty of.

JL: Oh yes.

Diana: Keep up!

JL: And what do they say?

Diana: I’m not going to tell you that, am I? You’ll have to wait and see. But things did get rather more interesting last week, when one of my neighbours fell down the stairs and died.

JL: That’s very sad.

Diana: No, darling, he was a real shit and everyone hated him. But you’ll be interested because Chris thinks he was murdered too.

JL: Oh, can I-

Diana: No, I’ve got far too much to do than to entertain you any longer.